Al Jefferson: My soulmate in peril.

Rumors abound that Al Jefferson, Delonte West, Theo Ratliff, and Sebastian Telfair are about to be traded to Philadelphia.

Tonight, I've gone through the five stages of mourning.

• Denial: Won't happen. Danny Ainge isn't going to trade his only big man for rapidly aging (though prolifically scoring) ego.
• Anger: Wait, Danny Ainge would trade his only big man for four girl scouts and a quantity of smoked meat to be named later, if he thought it would also include a draft pick in 2011. Must burn things. Must break things. Must bite things.
• Bargaining: If Al Jefferson stays a Celtic, I'll dedicate my life to the public interest. I'll teach children to read. I'll stop trying to teach my boyfriend's parrot Maoist slogans. I'll go out of my way to wave at the homeless guy; anything, if Al gets to stay.
• Depression: This is it. This is the end. Life is not worth living. These last two wins were just a taste of joy that I will never again experience. This is the end of watching basketball, and thus the end of my relationship. And, without a supportive boyfriend AND without the spiritual guidance of my soul mate, Al Jefferson- what's the point in continuing this law thing.
• Acceptance: Not fucking there yet, buddy.

In all seriousness, I love Al Jefferson. He is my soulmate. We are as close as two people who have never met, and have only ever been in the same room insofar as the TD Banknorth Garden or the Meadowlands are rooms, can possibly be. We are as similar as a 21 year old, high-school educated African-American NBA player who grew up as an orphan in rural Mississippi and a 24 year old over-educated pudgy law student from the suburbs can be. By that I mean that we both enjoy pie and have had unpleasant experiences in New Jersey.

Al Jefferson doesn't want to leave Boston. He told Mike Gorman that he didn't want to leave; he told him that he thought it was important that the team stay together. Al Jefferson said that the Celtics don't need Allen Iverson, and they don't. Al Jefferson is maturing, and learning to temper his talent with good judgment. He's rebounding, blocking, and scoring like a future all-star. So of course Danny Ainge is going to trade him.