Friday, January 02, 2009

Two chicks at the same time...

A very, very important question is posed in this clip. A question I've spent some time considering over the past couple days.

Not - Am I the kind of chick who would double up on Lawrence, if he had a million dollars? I haven't actually considered that.

But I'll give it some thought. Let's see. To be honest, I don't actually KNOW how a man does "two chicks at the same time." So there's, obviously, a flaw in my contemplation. I can figure out how a threesome, in general, would go, but that's not really "doing two chicks at the same time." It's more like the recycling symbol - somebody does something to somebody who is doing something to somebody who happens to be the first somebody mentioned. At least, that's what I imagine. Except, I think, it might be, "something does something to somebody while somebody does something to themselves or waits a bit and then, fortified by the acts of the two somebodies, goes on to act upon either of the first somebodies..." Neither of those situations seem to fit the definition of "two chicks at the same time." I figure what Lawrence really means is that he would do two chicks in a quick succession...

oh. Shit. Never mind. I think I figured it out. Fuckin' mustache.

So, I don't know. I figure that I would double up on Lawrence with a million dollars only to the extent that I would double up on Lawrence without a million dollars. And that requires much further and deeper contemplation, so this whole digression ends here.

But what would I do, if I had a million dollars? (Or, some amount of money that would allow me to not worry about money?)

I think...I'd do very, very close to nothing. I'd dick around, cook elaborate meals and bring them to people, bake far, far too much cake. And pie, jesus christ the pie. And cookies. With butter. Oh, god, butter...

I'd read a lot. Constantly, probably...I'd probably start at about three novels a day until I was able to slow down...which would mean that I would run out of decent books in about three years...and have to start reading grocery-store romances. That's ok. I'm not too intellectual to read about "creamy skin" and "growing stiffness"...

I'd go to the movies a lot - and I think that I would start to go without regard for the merits of the movie, which is one of my dirtiest secrets. Left to my own devices, I would smuggle in those terrible three-pack chocolate chip cookies, and watch whatever movie was playing...often. Three, four times a week.

And when I say..."without regard for the merits"...I'm quite serious about it. I'm not here referring to my bottomless lust for zombie movies. I'm talking about movies that are the products of bad meetings, movies that are the product of ill-conceived multi-picture contracts, movies that all involved would disclaim, if possible.

Two of my favorite movies, which I have never, ever watched in the presence of another human being:

That's what I mean.

I'd also probably write some. And draw a bit. And, yeah, even if I didn't need the money, I'd probably do a bit of law stuff. Thinking about it - without regard to "Could I get a job doing..." or "Could I live on..." ...I'd try and do appeals. I really, really like appeals. I like the closed record; I like that the arguments are in court, and fully legal - no witnesses, no fucking around with cross-examination, credibility...your law mojo against someone else's law mojo. And I wouldn't even haveto do fancy appeals...I mean, even little dippy property tax shit would be long as there's a brief to write, and the possibility of an oral argument every now and again.

So I guess this means that I should be a lawyer, but a lawyer so fantastically wealthy...that they don't have to work much. How do you do that before you've tricked some motherfucker into giving you that first job?

1 comment:

Rob said...

I came to the realization that I wouldn't necessarily quit my job if I became independently wealthy, which is neat, if a tad disconcerting.